There have been an unusually large things that I have been hearing lately that make absolutely zero sense to me. After thinking about it for a while I though I would post some of them maybe you can tell me what I'm missing. Or perhaps you don't understand them either and we can work together to eradicate the mental terrorists...
1. The phrase "you'll wish you'd never been born!". This seems to appear wherever there are angry people squaring up to each other, from kids shows to action movies people are saying this sort of thing all the time. There will be a guy tied to chair and some guy in a black suit with immaculate hair and he'll say something like, "When I get through with you, you'll wish you'd never been born!" followed by a maniacal laugh.
Clearly the guy tied to the chair should be wishing that the scary man with the knife had never been born.
2.Childproof bottles- these should be renamed impregnable tubes. They aren't just childproof they are human proof, I guess we just need to invent light sabers so we can open aspirin.
3. Condensed news sources, okay I understand the practicality, the average person doesn't have time to read everything that they need to in order to be informed. I get it I really do, but some recent journalists have taken it too far. I literally read an article this week that in about two hundred words told me, "the economy sucks and people are bad.". Yes, I know. It is quite possible that the people who write those kinds of articles are at fault for both of those problems.
4. The phrase , "that's just the way I am". "I can't break up with my boyfriend, I know he's cheating on me, but I can't break up with him in a moth with an odd number of days."
"Why???!!!"
"it's just the way I am".
Thats a ridiculous example, but I have heard worse. If "the way you are" is ridiculous. then change it. Or at least think of a decent way to justify your ridiculousness.
5.Job listings who's requirements don't match up with the job description.
Example: Entry Level Inside Sales Position
Minimum requirements: BA or BS in International Communication Theory, Biochemistry, or Film History.
Must have at least 8 years in related field or peace corps exclusively in Togo or Djibouti.
Comments:Ninja preferred.
Another thing that I don't understand is how Harper's nap time apparently does not relate at all to any of these factors. Her bed time the night before, the time she woke up, amount of activity during the day, or the conditions under which the nap is taken.
Last night she went to sleep at 1:15 AM woke up at 6:30 AM and started her nap at 2:03 PM. She always naps around 2. Who knows why.
Unless were in the car, she'll fall asleep in the car any time because of her condition.
A very serious case of Carcolepsey. It affects over half of Americans every year.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Strange Things Afoot...
This morning I woke up rather abruptly. Megan was looking at me in the guest bed in our daughter Harper's room and she had a strange look on he face.
I had gone into Harpers room at around five this morning, she was having nightmares and when I was consoling her laying in the spare bed we both went back to sleep. I meant to put her back in her crib, but that didn't happen. When Megan shook me awake Harper wasn't there.
Now I understand the looks I'm getting.
Apparently she had a few minuets earlier slid out of bed, gone in the living room, and turned on the t.v. She's not even two, thats not supposed to happen yet! She wasn't alarmed just chilling out watching cartoons. We walk in and Meg sits by her, "hey Harper"
she looks up from the t.v., "Hi Mama, Dada"
"did you turn the t.v. on?"
"yes"
"oh, okay"
It was fine, but very very odd.
She also figured out how to open the fridge in the last couple of weeks, this hasn't been a problem but today she brought me a bottle of lemon juice while I was using the restroom... I have no idea what she thinks it is.
A few new things she's been saying this month,
"kick the ball" - after watching Megan play soccer she wants to kick every ball.
"mamma ball"- that is what she calls soccer no matter who is playing.
"i don't want to"- I hear this a lot.
"bless you"-she started saying that last week and it is so freaking cute, she always ads the sneezer's name after it also so it's ," bless you mama" or whoever she's saying it about.
That should fill your quota for cuteness for the day.
I had gone into Harpers room at around five this morning, she was having nightmares and when I was consoling her laying in the spare bed we both went back to sleep. I meant to put her back in her crib, but that didn't happen. When Megan shook me awake Harper wasn't there.
Now I understand the looks I'm getting.
Apparently she had a few minuets earlier slid out of bed, gone in the living room, and turned on the t.v. She's not even two, thats not supposed to happen yet! She wasn't alarmed just chilling out watching cartoons. We walk in and Meg sits by her, "hey Harper"
she looks up from the t.v., "Hi Mama, Dada"
"did you turn the t.v. on?"
"yes"
"oh, okay"
It was fine, but very very odd.
She also figured out how to open the fridge in the last couple of weeks, this hasn't been a problem but today she brought me a bottle of lemon juice while I was using the restroom... I have no idea what she thinks it is.
A few new things she's been saying this month,
"kick the ball" - after watching Megan play soccer she wants to kick every ball.
"mamma ball"- that is what she calls soccer no matter who is playing.
"i don't want to"- I hear this a lot.
"bless you"-she started saying that last week and it is so freaking cute, she always ads the sneezer's name after it also so it's ," bless you mama" or whoever she's saying it about.
That should fill your quota for cuteness for the day.
Monday, September 27, 2010
So it's Fall...
The seasons are changing, it was cold for the first time today.
Almost everyone I know is thrilled about this, I however have mixed feelings. Usually this is the time of year I get sick from the ragweed and stay that way until Thanksgiving. It's a lot of fun, let me tell ya.
The upside is Harper is about to turn two, and is getting so big and smart. She has started taking in sentences some and can count to four. I said i would never be one of those parents that had to tell everyone how smart their kid is...I lied.
The only problem we've had with her is her eating habits. She eats almost all fruits, vegetables and breads...but doesn't like meat. she will take a few bites of chicken or fish, and will eat bacon(everyone eats bacon right?). She just doesn't like the protein. I've been trying to get creative giving her peanut butter some and beans. She likes beans a lot. Which is great because she gets a ton of protein, but then again she's eating a ton of beans...
On a way less entertaining note i have put in over 200 job applications now... had six interviews and all I gotten is more people who don't return my e-mails.
I never online dated, but I imagine this process is sort of similar. You look through hundreds of profiles every day looking for something that is right for you, then you find something kind of intriguing so you contact them. You never hear from 80% of them, maybe the saw your profile-resume and they don't share your love of Kung-Foo movies or don't think a psychology minor will help you sell ad space.
Then someone does contact you back and you set up a date/ interview, they seem nice enough and your doing your best to be charming and funny and not come on too strong. Try to be appealing, but don't seem too needy and you try to see if they are right for you.
Then your at home thinking, hey that probably went okay....
And they never call again...
So you call them, and they went another direction. Or say they eliminated the position all together.
Your self esteem is soaring.
Or maybe like I did you find a scammer, who I interviewed with twice... I am so smart.
I imagine this is like finding out someone you went on a couple dates with is a registered sex offender. And then you feel even more stupid because you thought the scammer/sex offender was kind of cool....
Again self esteem is so high.
Almost everyone I know is thrilled about this, I however have mixed feelings. Usually this is the time of year I get sick from the ragweed and stay that way until Thanksgiving. It's a lot of fun, let me tell ya.
The upside is Harper is about to turn two, and is getting so big and smart. She has started taking in sentences some and can count to four. I said i would never be one of those parents that had to tell everyone how smart their kid is...I lied.
The only problem we've had with her is her eating habits. She eats almost all fruits, vegetables and breads...but doesn't like meat. she will take a few bites of chicken or fish, and will eat bacon(everyone eats bacon right?). She just doesn't like the protein. I've been trying to get creative giving her peanut butter some and beans. She likes beans a lot. Which is great because she gets a ton of protein, but then again she's eating a ton of beans...
On a way less entertaining note i have put in over 200 job applications now... had six interviews and all I gotten is more people who don't return my e-mails.
I never online dated, but I imagine this process is sort of similar. You look through hundreds of profiles every day looking for something that is right for you, then you find something kind of intriguing so you contact them. You never hear from 80% of them, maybe the saw your profile-resume and they don't share your love of Kung-Foo movies or don't think a psychology minor will help you sell ad space.
Then someone does contact you back and you set up a date/ interview, they seem nice enough and your doing your best to be charming and funny and not come on too strong. Try to be appealing, but don't seem too needy and you try to see if they are right for you.
Then your at home thinking, hey that probably went okay....
And they never call again...
So you call them, and they went another direction. Or say they eliminated the position all together.
Your self esteem is soaring.
Or maybe like I did you find a scammer, who I interviewed with twice... I am so smart.
I imagine this is like finding out someone you went on a couple dates with is a registered sex offender. And then you feel even more stupid because you thought the scammer/sex offender was kind of cool....
Again self esteem is so high.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Scary Kids Scaring Kids
A few times a week I usually take Harper to one of the local parks, there are a good amount of parks around where we live and they are maintained well. It's a good opportunity to get her some fresh air and socialize with her fellow munchkins.
It also lets me get out of the house.
A couple of days ago we were at our usual spot when two small kids a brother and sister started to play in our general area, they were watched by a lackadaisical grandmother. The little girl was probably not quite two, around Harpers age but didn't seem very interested in anything, mostly just stood around and stared at things.
The little boy was all over everything like a spider monkey he was probably about four. He talked to Harper for a minute and then went back to his playing. She kind of wanted to play but couldn't climb the jungle gym as fast, so she pretty much did her own thing and had a good time.
We were walking away getting ready to leave he runs up to Harper and pushes her down.
I kick his head into the river and hit his negligent guardian with the remainder of the body.
no
deep breath...
I asked him calmly to be shaking in rage what he thought he was doing and told him to go back to his grandmother and to stay away.
All this time Harper is looking at the little boy incredulously. Her bottom lip begins to quiver and I pick her up and keep walking away. I asked her as we walked, "are you okay?"
She sniffs hard as she shakes her head and signs ,"no". a little tear is on her cheek and my heart breaks when I realize exactly why. Her feelings were hurt.
This sounds so stupid but it was almost worse than if she had gotten a skinned knee or a bruise. She's been hurt before, but her feelings never had been. No one had ever been mean to her before and that little twerp was.
On reflection i realized that I do not envy the first boy who breaks up with her. He's going to miss having hands.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Long May You Run
Today got off to an auspicious start, I ran my first ever 5k today.
That is a misleading statement, as a college pitcher I had to run three or four miles at least three days a week as any pitcher on our staff can attest. I am no stranger to the distance, but this is the first organized event I've ever attempted.
After it was over I was tempted to change my e-mail to omgi'mslow@turtlepace.org
I got eaten alive by a big hill, and beaten by a 70 year old man. My self esteem is soaring.
Somehow I finished third in my age group(there must have only been two other people).
But all in all it was a good time, families out together, people having a good time, and I got to talk to some very nice people I haven't seen in quite some time.
My wonderful wife also got home from a three day soccer excursion today, so it was a good one+ braves win.
Harper and I got into a stare down contest tonight we both ended up laughing historically, she was making funny faces then we started mimicking each other. if you have never heard a toddler laugh until they pee go find one and start tickling it you will feel better about life.
ask the parents permission though, some people are so touchy...
That is a misleading statement, as a college pitcher I had to run three or four miles at least three days a week as any pitcher on our staff can attest. I am no stranger to the distance, but this is the first organized event I've ever attempted.
After it was over I was tempted to change my e-mail to omgi'mslow@turtlepace.org
I got eaten alive by a big hill, and beaten by a 70 year old man. My self esteem is soaring.
Somehow I finished third in my age group(there must have only been two other people).
But all in all it was a good time, families out together, people having a good time, and I got to talk to some very nice people I haven't seen in quite some time.
My wonderful wife also got home from a three day soccer excursion today, so it was a good one+ braves win.
Harper and I got into a stare down contest tonight we both ended up laughing historically, she was making funny faces then we started mimicking each other. if you have never heard a toddler laugh until they pee go find one and start tickling it you will feel better about life.
ask the parents permission though, some people are so touchy...
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Hitchhikers Guide to the Cutlery
The past few months my beautiful wife Megan has been very, extremely busy. This has forced me to learn a great deal of things, how to do laundry without turning things pink, how to clean a bathroom so that all the mysterious grey-brown stains leave, and most importantly Cook.
I have tried, in the past to master some of the culinary arts. There have been a few successes, like the cornbread that people actually ate, and survived.
But then there was the incident with the poached catfish......
I won't expound, you can probably figure out how that ended.
But I have leaned to do a few small things, I can cook pasta and make a couple of decent sauces and cook steak and chicken to at least Waffle House standards. In a minor emergency I even made a perfectly edible chocolate mousse. I have no idea how I pulled that off.
Point is I have learned to cook edible food...yes. I have also learned how to turn the kitchen into a war zone in 30 minuets or less. There has been food on the floor, the inside of the cabinets and even the ceiling. I still don't know how that happened. When Meg cooks the kitchen is practically clean by the time dinner is served, I can have it clean by dinner the next day....
They should have a manual: Using the Kitchen with a Y Chromosome
I have tried, in the past to master some of the culinary arts. There have been a few successes, like the cornbread that people actually ate, and survived.
But then there was the incident with the poached catfish......
I won't expound, you can probably figure out how that ended.
But I have leaned to do a few small things, I can cook pasta and make a couple of decent sauces and cook steak and chicken to at least Waffle House standards. In a minor emergency I even made a perfectly edible chocolate mousse. I have no idea how I pulled that off.
Point is I have learned to cook edible food...yes. I have also learned how to turn the kitchen into a war zone in 30 minuets or less. There has been food on the floor, the inside of the cabinets and even the ceiling. I still don't know how that happened. When Meg cooks the kitchen is practically clean by the time dinner is served, I can have it clean by dinner the next day....
They should have a manual: Using the Kitchen with a Y Chromosome
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Just Do It
Today amid much fanfare today Freddie Freeman the 20 year old first base prospect for the Atlanta Braves got a call-up today. Congrats Freddie you earned it. I saw him play in Rome and he looks to be the real deal.
Another Braves minor league player got called up today, a 31 year old Venezuelan catcher names J.C. Boscan. I doubt you've heard of him, he's a .227 career hitter in 14 minor league seasons, 12 in the Braves organisation. He made the big club's spring training camp this year, but mostly because they needed another quality catcher around so that Brian McCann wouldn't get hurt too bad.
If you've ever seen Bull Durham this guy isn't even Crash Davis, hey at least Crash could hit. J.C. is the stellar defensive back-up to the Crash Davis's of the world, and has just kept pugging away on a minimum wage equivalent salary to live the dream.
Today he get a bone thrown his way. he likely won't get another call-up, at least not unless the Braves don't have another catcher they would rather have a look at next September. For now though he is J.C. Boscan MLB catcher. I commend him for having the courage to continue when most people would have called it a career.
Maybe we should all chase a dream.
On a lighter note today Harper made a bed out of the diaper basket on her changing table, as soon as I figure out how to put pictures on here y'all are going to be in the floor laughing.
She is probably a tree frog in a toddlers body.
Another Braves minor league player got called up today, a 31 year old Venezuelan catcher names J.C. Boscan. I doubt you've heard of him, he's a .227 career hitter in 14 minor league seasons, 12 in the Braves organisation. He made the big club's spring training camp this year, but mostly because they needed another quality catcher around so that Brian McCann wouldn't get hurt too bad.
If you've ever seen Bull Durham this guy isn't even Crash Davis, hey at least Crash could hit. J.C. is the stellar defensive back-up to the Crash Davis's of the world, and has just kept pugging away on a minimum wage equivalent salary to live the dream.
Today he get a bone thrown his way. he likely won't get another call-up, at least not unless the Braves don't have another catcher they would rather have a look at next September. For now though he is J.C. Boscan MLB catcher. I commend him for having the courage to continue when most people would have called it a career.
Maybe we should all chase a dream.
On a lighter note today Harper made a bed out of the diaper basket on her changing table, as soon as I figure out how to put pictures on here y'all are going to be in the floor laughing.
She is probably a tree frog in a toddlers body.
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